thesulk The iPhone is the shittiest miracle.
robdelaney @mattbilinsky I enjoyed our talk! Thank you.
biorhythmist The cleaning lady comes tomorrow, if you know what I mean. Probably between 10 and 11, so tidy up before then.
biorhythmist If you ever see me start a tweet like this and use gratuitous caps, PLEASE punch me in the face.
robdelaney Did NOT expect Santorum to come right out & say that Dominique Strauss-Kahn is his spirit animal! Wow...
biorhythmist If you see a guy driving around with an empty car seat, PLEASE offer him a sympathy beejay. We're all in this together, people. #hope
robdelaney Guns don't kill people. Rick Santorum kills people in public restrooms then texts pictures of their corpses to Jared Leto.
biorhythmist #tweetthepress
biorhythmist (also a bunch of followers)
robdelaney When we return the candidates will debate gays in space while wearing the Reagan masks from "Point Break."
biorhythmist (and I just made a poop disappear)
thesulk Han loved working on the Millennium Falcon because it was Solo maintenance.
biorhythmist (I swear that wasn't a setup. I really did just see a lady running into a church)
robdelaney I thought Santorum summed it up nicely when he said "Jesus wizard hate-grenade chastity bullet pink-star Sharia Twain."
biorhythmist worst ever? probably.
biorhythmist When you reach for the toilet handle, you know shit's about to go down.
robdelaney Caught a whiff of marijuana smoke odor today walking by an alley. No doubt a sex murder or arms deal was taking place.
biorhythmist If you ever see a lady RUNNING into a church, you know shit's about to go down.
robdelaney Just showed my baby daughter's vagina a picture of Rick Santorum & told it "KNOW THINE ENEMY."
biorhythmist No idea why that officer pulled me over for texting. I was clearly down to the last few bites of my Ben & Jerry's pint.
biorhythmist Finally #onewordobituary
robdelaney @dogboner Thanks!
robdelaney #Columbus OH: My show sold out, so I added another on 4/3: http://t.co/vqwrU0f5
thesulk Still a lotta racism down south. Just today I saw some asshole on his whiteberry.
biorhythmist Oh this? A thing of yogurt exploded on me when I opened it earlier.
*this* over here is jizz.
robdelaney @niki_urell Say hi after!
robdelaney @andrewrow @bshine @dickc @andrewcatton I could come back? I had fun.
robdelaney I have inserted a trans-vaginal ultrasound wand in my asshole in solidarity with the women of Virginia. It hurts a lot.
biorhythmist Ülala would be a pretty name for a girl.
thesulk I'm dorky enough to know that there's an Orc who looks like Alice Cooper in "The Two Towers".
ConanOBrien If Meryl Streep is really such a great actress, why won’t she play the lead in my new movie, “The Tupac Shakur Story”?
robdelaney In a cop's asshole. RT @pepsi: The best place to hide a Pepsi is ____.
robdelaney Virginia is for lovers! (of PSYCHOTIC abortion bills)
biorhythmist Do these parents substituting food for love and attention while I was growing up make me look fat?
robdelaney DC! RT @BlackCatDC: We've added an early @robdelaney show on April 13th. Tickets now available! http://t.co/mPkd80Hx cc: @MichelleObama
biorhythmist I love how the instructions on the package say "Let food sit for 1-2 minutes after cooking." So cute.
robdelaney @Glinner I'm by the ice machine on your floor in a tuxedo with a camera crew. Put on a bathrobe!
robdelaney I met @Glinner!
robdelaney Columbus OH: RT @WoodlandsTavern: @robdelaney April 3 - show is already almost sold out so get your tickets today! http://t.co/vqwrU0f5
robdelaney http://t.co/bNylWX44
robdelaney .@RickSantorum Is it true you tried to blackmail Nick Nolte into farting on you in 2007?
robdelaney So like a "Charlie"? Neat. RT @KimKardashian: I'm such a mix between Charlotte & Carrie!
robdelaney i want ashley judd to taze me
robdelaney @Alyssa_Milano I didn't die!
robdelaney Just went after a zit a little too aggressively & now I'm 100% certain I'm bleeding to death.
robdelaney @BeTheBoy @slackmistress So great to meet you guys!
robdelaney If the FBI went through my hard drive they'd be like "Aw, who's a little snuggle nugget!" since I jerk off to cheery women on bikes etc.
robdelaney @DavidPressman You cut me to my core.
robdelaney I like to suck dudes' dicks & have them come on my face, no homo.
biorhythmist RT if the defrost setting on your microwave makes the lights flicker like a prison on execution night.
robdelaney REALLY bad at music. RT @henrylphillips: @robdelaney what do you think of lana del rey?
robdelaney Despite the garbage I tweet, the people who write me on here are OVERWHELMINGLY kind, smart & funny. Who'd a thunk?
robdelaney What's the best way to explain the difference between guilt & shame to a toddler?
thesulk Wanna ruin a girl's day? Respond to her next text with "Who is this?"
biorhythmist Thinking of letting my dick grow out.
robdelaney #Champaign IL: I'm doing a show April 5. RT! Tickets here: https://t.co/RnZBLlLO
robdelaney The worst is when you wash your hands & there's no paper towels & rabid dogs kill everyone you love.
biorhythmist @BillCorbett we're gonna need a bigger URL
biorhythmist And THAT'S why we don't poop with our coat on, son.
robdelaney Can't make it to Mardi Gras this year, but I was able to vomit into my open pants & fall asleep in a parking lot last night.
robdelaney @DaveBiscella better!
robdelaney I'll be announcing a show in #Champaign IL soon. Anybody care? Mom?
thesulk You've never been older than you are right now.
Until now.
biorhythmist "Ooh, I wonder if that's the email I've been waiting for?" - excited me two seconds before remembering that I emailed myself two seconds ago
robdelaney @magicandrew @dickc It was a defining moment for us all...
biorhythmist Sexual Alien vs. Sexual Predator
ConanOBrien There once was a man from Nantucket, who carried some clams in a bucket. #CleanLimericksAreBoring
robdelaney @dickc Thank you! Met a bunch of your team in SF a couple of weeks ago.
robdelaney @Ahm76 2 beauties behind bars!
robdelaney I'll be on "Key & Peele" tonight on Comedy Central. Also, doing jokes live at @SaraJBenincasa's book release at Book Soup in WeHo at 7.
robdelaney @riandawson thanks man!
robdelaney Psyched for the new Rihanna/Chris Brown songs! Haven't been this excited since Hitler & Anne Frank's duet, "Chillax, Haterz!"
thesulk I wish there was a bobble head me that could listen to women talk about their dreams.
robdelaney I'm doing shows in Miami, Salt Lake City, Columbus OH, Bloomington IN & Philly. Tkts: http://t.co/Z0FwWsiy RT & come!
robdelaney Thanks! (I created the hit series, "Lost.") RT @d_judes: @DamonLindelof I'm on last season of Lost & I dig it very much. Good work.
robdelaney @DamonLindelof Wow! I read yours & thought "He said what I feel, but in a funnier way!"
robdelaney Dow at 13,000 means Wall St purchases a 2nd term for Obama. Guaranteed. And you can take that to one of the 3 remaining banks.
robdelaney I fucking SCREAM at @albz' tweets. EVERY ONE is funny. It's preternatural. I hate her.
robdelaney Just said something was a "slippery soap" instead of "slope" by mistake! How funny is that!! ...What? Well fuck you. Fuck you Todd.
robdelaney @NickSilly Ha!!
robdelaney @sorryeveryone So we do it together. C'est NÔTRE guerre, OK?
robdelaney I know I post this a lot; I just don't want people to die the way DFW did. It's how I live w depression: http://t.co/vvXPB76v
robdelaney Happy 50th Birthday to our dear friend, The Boy with the Curious Mind, David Foster Wallace. I miss you so much.
robdelaney RT @PeterBeinart: How can it be--a decade after the Iraq debate--that the Iran debate is unfolding the same way? http://t.co/GUaxFcet
thesulk I bet all the other girls hated Sadie Hawkins.
biorhythmist Eighth meal.
robdelaney Sometimes babies remind me of little old men. All bald & racist; so cute!!!
robdelaney I'm blessed to have met so many terrific Canadians on Twitters. #venison
robdelaney @Randazzoj u know it!
robdelaney My 7th grade social studies teacher was named David Klitt.
robdelaney Follow @Glinner or I'll kill you.
robdelaney Behold: http://t.co/oQsy2CuW RT @TnyYoung: @robdelaney What's your favorite youtube video?
thesulk I'm an emotional Etch A Sketch. Shake me once and it's all gone.
robdelaney @georgelazenby Thank you.
biorhythmist Everybody and their brother is at this Siamese twin convention.
biorhythmist @_SheSheila_ yes you do! thanks!
robdelaney There are a lot of mattress sales on Presidents Day weekend because Presidents are notorious for doing number 2s in bed.
biorhythmist I will follow you to the ends of this loaf of bread.
robdelaney I bet if Jesus were here right now, he'd be like "Toilets are amazing."
robdelaney I don't mind when people tell me what I should or shouldn't tweet; just remember to leave a little time to lick my sack.
robdelaney The animosity between Republicans & Democrats is NOTHING compared to the hatred between Jeffs & Geoffs.
robdelaney Holy shit, @JoshMalina did the EXACT same Abe Lincoln/George Bush play on @mindykaling's tweet 2 min before me. Follow him. Shame me.
thesulk Just a little sock-slide across a waxed hardwood floor makes me mutter "so you think you can dance dance dance..."
robdelaney "I'd like to get 'LinkedIn' to that pussy..." - fun thing to say at a job interview
robdelaney @sohotheatre May I do shows in you?
robdelaney Funniest thing I've seen in a long time. RT @themanwhofell: Why splitting the Border Agency in two is a bad idea. http://t.co/tAEYt64W
robdelaney @SarahMillican75 I'll need to perform there!
robdelaney When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's called lunar assault & it isn't funny.
robdelaney If you've never eaten yogurt out of each other's mouths, I don't think you can really call it love.
robdelaney Getting something "trending" on Twitter is roughly as useful as writing it in lipstick on the side of a bag of dog food.
robdelaney @birbigs I just checked (w the Pentagon) & I don't think you do follow me! Wanted to DM you a recipe.
robdelaney I hope everyone follows @birbigs. He is a funny funny dynamo.
robdelaney Just heard a woman ask if there was "any way" to substitute cheddar for feta in her sandwich. Let us unite in prayer...
robdelaney Where? RT @RickSantorum: Looking forward to our God & Country Rally tonight at First Redeemer in Cumming, Georgia.
robdelaney If you think about it, shitting big poop logs out of your asshole is pretty gay. cc: @RickSantorum
robdelaney You guys know Jeff?
thesulk Here's the difference ladies: in "All About Eve", Bette Davis is bitchy. Anne Baxter is cunty.
robdelaney dog botox
robdelaney @kirstiealley Thanks! So are you.
ConanOBrien Another Monday where I can’t decide which Archie character to shave into my chest.
robdelaney http://t.co/YS8T2vtE RT @BarackObama: What is Pilates?
biorhythmist @JenKirkman
biorhythmist Someday man will harness the power of the pee shiver and end our dependence on fossil fuels.
biorhythmist Just created some "original content" in the shower.
robdelaney Can do buddy! I'll let you get em right here: http://t.co/lEdfyTHo RT @ToneEvenColder: let me get tickets to your Philadelphia show!
robdelaney Ugh, spent half my weekend taking an online class. But the good news is now I'm a chiropractor.
robdelaney If a woman smiles at you at a shop, should you a) follow her home or b) just give her the socks you're wearing?
biorhythmist Hitting the snooze button is playing “just the tip” with your day.
robdelaney Just passed a guy wearing a "# 1 Dad" T-shirt. On my way home now to ask my kids what the fuck.
robdelaney seagulls will kill all of us
thesulk "Can I go to Nairobi?" "I don't know, Kenya?"
robdelaney Drones are cowardly. You should have to look at someone as you kill them.
robdelaney I'm coming to/near your house to do shows. Miami, Salt Lake City, Columbus, Bloomington, Philly & more! http://t.co/Z0FwWsiy RT!
thesulk Earth, Wind & Fire's "September" is kind of a fuck you to Alzheimer's patients.
robdelaney @Ahm76 @ladybirdj #suggestive #demonstrative
robdelaney @ladybirdj Yep!
robdelaney "Don't go in there; a junkie shit all over the wall." - real thing a person said to me at a hospital today
robdelaney Today's a good day to put all your troubles in a bag & say "Fuck you, trouble bag! I'm the boss!"
scottsimpson Thinking about all the awesome places I'm going to park for free tomorrow…
robdelaney Cinnabons look like a giant's cummy asshole.
robdelaney Lot of people asking why I'm "verified." It's because I'm in the Steve Miller Band.
robdelaney Tweets about Jeremy Lin are, on average, less funny than an email forward from my grandmother (who's an unfunny cunt)
thesulk Pretty exciting for Red Sox fans. Drinkers and catchers report today.
robdelaney it's like dry humping except i put my penis in your vagina
robdelaney Just found a weave in the parking lot of JC Penney.
thesulk Dear McDonald's, you may wanna rethink your ad with 2 black guys fighting over fried chicken. http://t.co/beyhjnNx
robdelaney It's me. Kiss me on the mouth. RT @JakeSesker: @robdelaney I am sitting next to a guy at the airport that looks just like you
robdelaney @SarahThyre Ja.
robdelaney All guys who wear glasses in tiny frames are named Sebastian just like all white guys with dreads are named Xander.
robdelaney What's up with people who wear glasses in those TINY frames? Are you a jeweler for like gnats? Enlarge your world, Sebastian!
ConanOBrien I can’t believe no one likes my show idea about a bunch of undead bathroom remodelers called “The Caulking Dead”.
robdelaney RT @mayabrooke: can you post the link of your writing about loving women gap teeth & all? // Here! http://t.co/wBgpodDd
robdelaney @Derek_Mears Don't laugh; you're next!
robdelaney Just went for a run, didn't shower, and put some Old Spice on over the funk. I smell like a fucking man salad.
robdelaney If I shaved my body it would be indistinguishable from that of an Olympic female speed skater.
robdelaney @alliepal thanks xo!
thesulk Sorry about all of the alcohol and drugs, my body, but I took two sips of water before I fell asleep so we're good.
robdelaney 2 of the funniest people there be: @jessirklein & @TheJamieLee
scottsimpson I miss the days when there was real regional variety—not the bland, homogenized Advil you have to buy today.
biorhythmist "I'm coming. Over." - inadvertent punctuation or walkie talkie sexting?
biorhythmist So cool how after age 21 you don't get any more zits ever again.
biorhythmist Backstage with Fleetwood Mac:
http://t.co/XJcIR4ng
biorhythmist Au revoir, beignets! http://t.co/XJcIR4ng
biorhythmist @biggsjason Stupid is my forte!
biorhythmist Beignet, done that.
biorhythmist The 24th St. BART station is a great place to go if you look like Howard Hughes and like eating churros with your pants around your ankles.
thesulk Martin Short Film Festival of Lights Camera Action Jackson 5 Alive from New York it's Saturday Night Ranger Ricky Martin Short...
robdelaney Cop just asked me why I had 8 swords in my trunk. I told him I worked at Medieval Times, but really it's because I'm afraid of Jared Leto.
robdelaney You got to follow @MrGeorgeWallace. Decorated assassin of audiences.
biorhythmist I was into Eskimo pussy before it was cool.
robdelaney Consistently solid bowel movements? RT @TacoBell What's better than a taco party?
robdelaney @brendonwalsh @NeilMahoney tweeted about you huffing glue so I thought it was a nice cherry to put on top! I hope you live forever. xo
robdelaney Ugh, first we lose Greg Giraldo, then Patrice... Who's next? (probably @brendonwalsh if we're being honest)
biorhythmist People who humblebrag on here make me want to slap them in the face with my enormous dong.
robdelaney It's not his real wife. RT @alecbaldwin: Watching Clooney say goodbye to his wife in THE DESCENDANTS was pretty amazing.
thesulk Shit, Saruman had me over for dinner last week and I forgot to send him an Orthancyou note.
robdelaney @jsalley12 thanks! xo
robdelaney Pretty cool that Kevin Costner & Whitney Houston stayed friends even after she gave him the idea for "Waterworld."
robdelaney I hope they put to sleep that mean dog who told the Son of Sam to kill all those people.
biorhythmist You are making my nipples so hard, baby. Don't stop. Yeah, keep lowering the thermostat, just like that.
robdelaney How many people live in your town or city? Weird to think that almost all those people have tongues.
scottsimpson My favorite public library game is Guess the Hobo Captain.
scottsimpson When you're about to fall asleep in a public place and all the ambient sounds blend together like warm oatmeal
thesulk "Whoa is me." (Keanu Reeves)
robdelaney Loudest (non-horse) fart I've ever heard: Meryl Streep
robdelaney Hard to pick a favorite Beatles song but I'd probably go with "Beefy Bartholomew" off "The Weasel's Labyrinth."
robdelaney Psyched for Kevin James' new movie "Fart Couch!"
robdelaney I hope they put to sleep that mean dog to who told the Son of Sam to kill all those people.
robdelaney The worst thing currently happening in America is that my phone autocorrects "clit" to "clot."
ConanOBrien The ShamWow guy just used the ShamWow on my windshield with his squeegee.
robdelaney @chrissyteigen thanks CT.
robdelaney So many unfollowers for that last tweet. Sorry you're allergic to passion.
robdelaney I wanna give my neighbor Karen a hickey on her clit.
robdelaney Architects, designers, nerds: Here's an RFP to save a cool, wacky bldg in Oklahoma City that has 11 days to live: http://t.co/9SSSYc3h
thesulk Clown cars are fool injected.
robdelaney I'm coming to J.O. in a hotel near you & do standup! Miami, Columbus, Bloomington, Philly, SLC & more! http://t.co/Z0FwWsiy RT!
robdelaney adult braces
robdelaney @shortjeans I love you, I promise. Your joke is funny. I've made same mistake in haste.
robdelaney Pretty sure EVERYONE ON EARTH would like there to be fewer abortions. Education & contraception are the recipe to that pizza.